She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
