Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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