Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
