he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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