Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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