she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize