I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize