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me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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