I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
