Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
