Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
