I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
