To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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