oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
