we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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