Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
