I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
