Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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