I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's never too late to be topless.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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