I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
