apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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