if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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