oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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