So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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