if i can run in heels then i can drive
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
