I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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