I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
