You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
