Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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