Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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