I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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