I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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