I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
