yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
