Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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