There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
