I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
