you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
