it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
