I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize