My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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