i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
