His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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