so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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