this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
