She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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