I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
