you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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