I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just gargled with NyQuil
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
