I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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