My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize