I just cut my nipple shaving
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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