Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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