Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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