I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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