She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
