well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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