i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
