I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
